Tracey
and Kathy were also selected to be featured writers for
GayWired Media, LesbiaNation, Shewired.com, and LOTL Magazine
in Australia!
The
Naked Truth
"A Hidden Life: Domestic Partner Abuse in Lesbian Relationships"
By Tracey Stevens and Kathy Wunder
Kathy
and I have a dear friend, whom I'll call Sarah. Sarah was
living in an abusive situation with her lesbian partner, but
she did not see anything her partner was doing as abuse. Like
so many people, Sarah thought abuse was only when someone
beats you up.
For my job at the time, I was designing a display showing
the symptoms of different types of spousal abuse. I found
that there were many things listed that Sarah was going through
in her relationship, and I thought this might be a good thing
for her to see.
I showed the display to Sarah and asked her if any of the
symptoms seemed familiar. She slowly nodded and as her finger
touched each area of abuse she'd been living with for years,
tears welled in her eyes. This was very hard for Sarah to
see, it was hard on me to show it to her, but what was harder
was seeing her life slowly ebbing away in the waves of her
partner's abuse.
The good news is that even though this was a very difficult
situation, within a few short months, Sarah was buying her
own house, and taking back control of her life. Sarah learned
the symptoms of abuse, and now she knows what to look out
for in her own life so that she never falls into that trap
again.
Keep in mind that when women are physically, mentally, or
sexually abused as children, these patterns tend to resurface
as abuse in adult relationships. If you know anyone like Sarah,
living with abuse, please talk to her; even show her this
article. If you are living with abuse, please get help. Life
is too short to live one moment in abuse and it is up to us
to know the signs.
Abuse in a lesbian relationship can be defined as any behavior
your partner uses to control you, which causes physical, sexual
and/or psychological damage, or causes you to live in fear.
Emotional Abuse
This abuse is where your partner makes you feel bad about
yourself to your face or in front of other people. She may
play mind games to make you think it is your problem or tell
you that you are crazy or stupid. She may encourage self-hatred
about being lesbian or force you to be closeted. She may use
blackmail to control you, treat you like a servant, or threaten
murder or suicide so that you are too afraid for your own
life, or hers, to make a change. Isolation
When an abuser uses isolation, she is controlling what you
do, who you see and talk to, or where you go. She may not
allow you to be involved in the lesbian community, and she
may sabotage your friendships. The abusive partner may use
jealousy to justify her actions.
Intimidation and Threats
This kind of abuse usually begins at home, but as your abuser
gains confidence she may do some of the following in public
situations: using looks, actions, or gestures to make you
afraid; driving dangerously when you are in the car; destroying
your possessions; abusing pets or children; buying weapons;
or threatening to "out you" to co-workers, friends
or family.
Physical Abuse
This can include pushing, biting, hitting, punching, using
a weapon, or forcing you to participate in sex. If you try
to flee, your abuser may attempt to confine you. If you are
injured, your abuser may prevent you from going to a doctor,
or she may control your food or medication. If you are severely
injured, your abuser may take you to a hospital, but threaten
you with further abuse if you do not lie about what happened.
She may say she is directly related to you, and accompany
you to the examining room. She may speak for you and not allow
you to be alone with a health-care practitioner.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse can take many forms, but generally it is defined
as any sexual activity that is unwanted or coerced. Also included
are non-disclosure of STD/HIV status; unwanted sexually derogatory
name calling; accusations of you wanting to have or having
sex with other women; or your abuser may threaten to have
sex with others.
Using Children
If you have children from a previous relationship, your abuser
may use them to control you by threatening to expose your
relationship so that your children are taken away; telling
your children bad things about you; making sarcastic remarks
about your parenting abilities; or refusing to allow you to
see your children if you don’t have full custody.
Economic Abuse
When an abuser controls you economically she may prevent you
from keeping a job outside the home, and demand that you ask
for money or an allowance from her. If you are allowed to
work, she may take your income. She may not allow you to participate
in financial decisions within the partnership. She may threaten
to "out you" at work so that you lose your job and
are financially dependent upon her.
How You May Feel
If you are in an abusive relationship, you may be ashamed
to tell anyone. This is especially bad if your friends or
family do not know you are lesbian, which can escalate the
feelings of depression, humiliation, and increased isolation.
Many abused women blame themselves, thinking that they have
failed the relationship in some way. They may feel guilty
or scared to leave their partner. Many hold on to the hope
that their partner will change. This is often reinforced with
apologies after the abuse has taken place like "I swear
it will never happen again, please don't leave me." When
the abuse happens again, it sets up a pattern where the abuser
knows she has gotten away with it one time, so she thinks
she can do it again. .
Things
You Can Do
The most important thing you can do is pay attention to how
you feel. If you are in a new relationship and you find a
pattern of abuse developing, call or go to your local spouse
abuse shelter, a counselor, or a friend. You can also do research
at the library or on the Internet to verify your feelings.
It
may or may not be safe to discuss the abuse with your partner
to try to get help together. Consulting a counselor who is
certified to give professional help and advice is the safest
option. Removing yourself immediately from your abuser’s
presence by staying with friends, family or at a shelter is
the best answer (even if she is living in your home); and
do not tell your abuser where you are. Any attempt at reconciliation
and changing of a relationship with a partner who has been
abusive should be done in the presence of a professional counselor.
No matter how much you believe your partner when she says
she will change, or how wonderful she acts towards you for
any length of time, abusers almost always return to patterns
of abuse if they do not receive professional help in dealing
with the underlying issues that are fueling their actions.
If you don’t feel it is safe to go to your family or
friends (or your abuser has caused you to become separated
from them), call your local spouse abuse shelter and ask for
help and a place to stay. Most shelters have safe houses.
Some admit people who have only experienced physical abuse
and some will take you in if you have experienced verbal abuse.
Shelter staff can help with counseling, community resources,
legal advice and assistance in filing a restraining order
or criminal charges if necessary.
Your
life is up to you. Take back your power now, and you can become
the incredible woman you are meant to be. .
Original
Article appeared on Lesbianation.com here: "A
Hidden Life: Domestic Abuse in Lesbian Relationships"
