Tracey
and Kathy were also selected to be featured writers for
GayWired Media, LesbiaNation, Shewired.com, and LOTL Magazine
in Australia!
The
Naked Truth
"Lust vs. Love"
By Tracey Stevens and Kathy Wunder
"I
thought I found the woman of my dreams, but she was like that
crazy chick from Basic Instinct. Why didn't I see this coming?"
How many times have you heard a similar question from friends,
or have you ever gotten into a relationship, but after the
first "blush of love" wore off you had no clue where
that wonderful woman you first met went? There are many things
that contribute to this type of situation, so we thought we'd
delve a bit deeper into some of the contributing factors.
In our last article "Internetting a Lesbian Partner with
Online Dating," we touched on the fact that if you are
looking for a serious long-term relationship, a good thing
to do is to date and get to know the person before you go
to bed with her. This is because in most cases, having sex
with someone you barely know only screws up the perception
of what is real and what is not. If you get to know someone,
you can then fall in love with her and not merely with the
sex.
The truth of the matter is that the infatuation stage of a
relationship is not truly a "Love at first sight"
type of thing after all. It is a biochemical response.
I recently went to a workshop called "Human Sexuality:
Across the Lifespan and Cultures" for which Pat Love,
Ed.D. was the keynote speaker. If you ever get the chance
to attend a function where she is a presenter, take the opportunity
and go. She is an acclaimed therapist, speaker, and author
of four books, and she really knows her stuff. Her two biggest
books are Hot Monogamy and The Truth About Love. The information
I'm presenting is a synopsis from her lecture, and the latter
book.
It turns out that the beginning of a relationship, when we're
so drawn to the person that we just met and feel like everything
is exciting and wonderful and that this could be the woman
of our dreams, is all biochemistry. Dr. Love says, "Love
is not attraction. Love isn't about chemistry. Chemistry is
simply a part of Mother Nature's plan to pull us to a 'preferred
partner.'"
Dr. Love talks of the DNA Dance, and that we seek, unbeknownst
to us, someone whose DNA is much different than our own. This
means that on some deep and instinctual level, we realize
that our DNA needs what their DNA has. This internal knowing
then triggers hormonal and brain chemistry reactions that
combine to make us feel like we just have to be with this
person, hence the U-Haul syndrome with lesbians. Good old
Ma Nature wants us to look for someone who has very different
DNA than our own, and this brings on the extreme sexual attraction
that comes into play.
It's important to remember that love isn't always about being
sexually attracted to someone. Sexual energy is all about
hormones, not about harmony, which means that sexual energy
is often not partner specific. Again, this stage is something
that Mother Nature invented to pull us together with a preferred
DNA partner.
So, what happens to us when the hormones start sending out
fireworks? According to Dr. Love, we develop "heightened
interest, euphoria, pleasure seeking, pleasure receptivity,
increased energy, loss of appetite, lowered defenses, positive
outlook, and increased libido." All of this means that
you may be physically attracted to someone with whom you are
not personally/emotionally able to connect when the biochemistry
settles down and you start to move into the more settled part
of a relationship. Dr. Love said the dictionary definition
of infatuation is basically "to be carried away by shallow
love or affection." The infatuation stage typically occurs
when we are not sexually active with the person with whom
we find ourselves attracted. Add sex to the mix and things
can get complicated very quickly.
These are the basics of understanding why we are so driven
to be with someone when we first meet her. It also explains
why after this first stage passes, about a year to eighteen
months, the biochemical imperative begins phasing out, and
we start to notice those personality traits and situations
that we used to blow off. These things can be the warning
signs that would have told us we need to stay away from this
woman.
Little niggling thoughts like: "Isn't that great. We
both like to go horseback riding," but then you find
out that she's never even ridden a pony at the fair, and her
false statements were just a way to connect with you in the
heat of hormonal urging. Or "Isn't that sweet. She's
really jealous of that woman who just said hi." But she
really has a big problem with suspecting you are out to sleep
with every woman you meet. Or "That sarcastic thing she
said last night, sort of reminds me of that abusive thing
my ex used to do," and it is the same thing your ex used
to do.
In reality, it just might be that you are returning to an
old pattern that you wanted to leave behind, be it simple
or abusive dysfunction within a relationship. That sweet jealousy
might become something really ugly or the sarcastic humor
suddenly turns into full-time complaints. This can lead you
to realize that you don't have much in common with this woman
you were Heels Over Your Head for, and I mean it just like
it’s written. You may wonder how you ever thought you
could get along with this person or be madly in love with
her when you really don't like her very much.
These are all things that we miss because when we're infatuated.
Our biochemistry tells us to overlook those things in favor
of the physical DNA compatibility. When you jump into a relationship
way too early you can miss these early warning signs and it
can cause a lot of unnecessary heartache in your future. We
also make decisions we normally wouldn't and ignore our own
advice.
For instance, moving in with a woman you've only known for
a month or moving across the country because your woman asks
you to, dismissing the fact that you never wanted to live
in that state anyway because you've had horrible allergy attacks
when you visited. She's in the closet and you're out but in
your mind you just know that you can get her to change even
though she's still married, the kids are young and she says
she plans to stay until the kids are 18. Or, you really don't
like kids, but the person you've met has three, and you figure
"How hard can it be?"
The point is that you're not thinking logically and just because
your hormones are all geared up doesn't mean that this is
woman is compatible with you for a long-term relationship.
We joke that men are thinking with their little head, but
sad to say, women can also be just as easily lead around by
our clitorises in this stage of attraction.
So take your time, get to know each other and let the sex
come later. Date, talk on the phone, go to dinner, go for
walks, do all those things you did with a dating relationship
when you were a kid and not sexually active. The attraction
will be there, but work on letting the conscious mind be your
motivator and not your biochemistry. Do yourself a favor,
and let your fingers wait to do the walking, while you do
the talking and get to know this person and become friends
with the one who may be the woman of your dreams.
Original
Article appeared on Lesbianation.com 5/20/08 here: "Lust
vs. Love"
