Tracey
and Kathy were also selected to be featured writers for
GayWired Media, LesbiaNation, Shewired.com, and LOTL Magazine
in Australia!
The
Naked Truth
"Internetting a Lesbian Partner with Online Dating"
By Tracey Stevens and Kathy Wunder
Kathy
and I run a support group for lesbian and bisexual women who
are coming out, and the subject of online dating came up recently.
Some of our members have found the love of their lives through
online dating, and some have experienced situations that would
make great plots for a stalker movie. Since Spring is in the
air, and many women are ready to start looking for love, we
thought we'd put together some advice we've learned about
online dating.
First and foremost, please use caution. The Internet can be
a wonderful place to meet great women, but there are also
a lot of people out there who are single for a reason. The
reason could be drugs, alcohol, or any other form of addiction,
like addiction to chaos or drama.
There are also a lot of sexual predators in the world. These
people are excellent liars, and can suck in even the most
savvy and intelligent women. Sexual predators can be either
female or male, but many are men who join online dating service
as females. Some are looking for bisexual women for themselves
or for a threesome with their female partners, and some think
that they can magically change a lesbian's sexual orientation.
This is why it is really important to talk on the phone to
someone you are interested in as soon as possible, and ALWAYS,
ALWAYS, ALWAYS listen to your intuition.
That said, we thought we would list a few things to help you
if you are considering meeting women through an online dating
service. This advice is from our own experiences online, and
actual posts from women in our Support For Lesbians Coming
Out group who have been in online dating situations:
1. JUST COMING OUT AND ONLINE DATING - When a person
is just coming out, she can be vulnerable. There's nothing
more exciting than your first contact with women who are like
you, but please remember that online dating needs to be approached
with caution for both your physical and mental health. If
you are feeling fragile, online dating may not be the place
to start. A lot of seasoned lesbians do not want to risk getting
involved in coming out issues and the potential pain involved.
On the flip-side, the benefits of online dating are meeting
other women in your area who are lesbian, and getting to know
your local LGBT community.
2. LESBIAN LONG DISTANCE DATING - Unless you are rich
and can travel to foreign lands, it's best to date women in
your country, and better yet, in your local area. If you never
actually meet the person you are having a long distance relationship
with, you are pretty much living in a fantasy. To really get
to know someone, you need to spend a lot of time with them
personally, and we don't mean moving in the first day you
meet. We mean spending quality time together doing things
that both of you enjoy, which is also known as dating.
Kathy and I knew one lesbian couple who met in a chat room.
They "dated" online and on the phone for over a
year, but never met. They fell hard for each other, and finally
decided that they should live together. The drawback to this
was that one lived in Australia, and one lived in the United
States. The one in the United States opted to leave her job,
sell her home, and move to Australia to be with the love of
her life. The relationship lasted less than 3 months, and
the woman from the United States had given up everything for
a fantasy.
We've heard of at least 50 stories like this, and what we've
learned is that you have to be mighty careful with online
love affairs. If at all possible, you should meet the person
and date her personally as soon as possible. Dating local
means you may not have huge phone and travel bills, and it
saves on expense when you do finally meet face-to-face.
3. ASK MANY QUESTIONS, AND THEN ASK SOME MORE - If
you start emailing back and forth with someone who seems compatible,
keep asking questions. For any relationship to work, there
are many things that two people must be on the same page with.
For example: if you are an animal lover who could never give
up your furry babies, it would be horrible to find out that
the person you are wanting to get serious with has horrible
allergies and she hates cats and dogs. It's better to find
out sooner than later, and it's very important not to give
up who you are for a relationship.
4. MEET IN PERSON AS SOON AS YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE - If
you find someone online that you love to email with, we suggest
also speaking on the phone, and then eventually meeting this
person in a public place, like a restaurant or a coffee shop.
The only successful, long-term relationship stories we've
heard from women who have met online are when they can actually
date each other, in person, for an extended period of time.
It's easy to "fall in love" with the fantasy of
someone online, only to later meet and find out that this
person is not who she, or in some cases HE, said she was.
5. TELL A FRIEND - When meeting someone for the first
time, always tell a trusted friend where you will be, and
what times you expect to be there and then home. Always call
your friend if there is a change in plans so that she will
not be worried.
6. MEET IN A PUBLIC PLACE - When meeting someone for
the first time, always meet in a public place, not a motel
or a person's private home. Have your own transportation that
you can leave in if things get weird, and make sure that the
person does not follow you home.
7. FIRST MEETING AND THE BEDROOM - When looking for
a serious long-term relationship, a good thing to do is to
date and get to know the person before you go to bed with
her. Sex only screws up the perception of what is real and
what is not. If you get to know someone, you can then fall
in love with her, not with sex. Don't become the Lesbian U-Haul
joke of your community.
8. SAFER SEX - If you do end up in bed, always practice
Safer Sex until both partners are sure that they are not testing
positive for any Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Safer Sex
is not a guarantee that you will still not catch an STD, but
it's better than unprotected sex.
9. THINK WITH YOUR HEAD, NOT YOUR SOUTHERN REGIONS - The
best advice we can give is to always use common sense and
your "Woman's Intuition." If someone seems "Too
good to be true" she probably is. Remember to think with
your head, not your regions down South. There are a lot of
people who use online dating just for sex, so be careful and
always listen to those warning signs. If you are interested
in just sex, then find websites that are designed for that.
10. IF YOU ARE PATIENT AND LISTEN TO YOURSELF, GREAT THINGS
CAN HAPPEN - We don't want to scare you with bad online
dating stories, because we believe that online dating can
be a great way to meet new people. Sure, there are crazies
everywhere you go, but there are also good, honest women out
there, just like you, who are looking for love. Be safe, have
fun, and date until you find your female mate.
Original
Article appeared on Lesbianation.com here: "Internetting
a Lesbian Partner Online Dating"
